My tell tale heart.

I've had heart attacks on my mind lately. I suppose it makes sense when you consider the amount of chest pain I tend to endure on a day to day basis. I can't say I'm too terribly afraid of having a heart attack though. I mean, that's not to say I want to have one, I'm just saying there is really nothing I could do if I were to have one. And I think I would be much more pissed off if I had a heart attack and didn't live through it than if I lived to tell the tale. Well, the idea of dying from a heart attack pisses me off more than having one and surviving because if I did die from one I really wouldn't know the difference. Either way, I really hope my heart doesn't fail. It's amazing the amount of strength and compassion that surrounds an organ that attacks itself. The more I think about it, the more poetic I find the entire thing. The heart is, in a sense, the essence of life. It keeps people alive, but still suffers from the stresses and hardships of the rest of the mind and body. And when left to it's own devices, it attacks itself.

I am a heart; trapped in a cage while I beat beat beat and wait to fail fail fail.

Everything feels better against bare skin.

Have you ever paid attention to the way things really feel? I don’t mean the way blankets feel soft or the way fire feels hot. I mean the way they really, really feel. As a very ticklish person, I’ve always been hyperaware of what it feels like to be touched. For a long time I didn’t like to be touched for just that reason. It drove me insane to think of things touching me without knowing how they really feel, but I’ve gotten much more comfortable with being touched. I’ve learned to love to feel. I’ve grown to love the way cold concrete makes my bare foot arch. I can stand on the beach and feel every grain of sand shift beneath my toes when the waves roll in and out. I love the way my hair dances against my cheek when the wind blows. I look forward to sinking into my pillow and letting it form a soft castle around my head right before I fall asleep. My favourite feeling though, and I mean absolute favourite, is the way skin feels against skin. Whether it’s a hand touching a hand, a cheek touching a shoulder, or lips touching lips, the feeling is one of the best in the world. It makes me sad to think that people usually take the way these things feel for granted too. There’s something exciting about that invisible line between two things that is broken right before they touch. I can’t even articulate the feeling of skin on skin, that’s how wonderful it is. Think about it; what does skin on skin feel like? The only answer that comes to mind is, of course, “skin”. I don’t think that’s an acceptable answer. It’s so much more than just skin touching skin.

But anyway, I had an urge to write about the way things feel because I was playing with a lighter and my mother told me to stop because I was going to burn myself. I saw it differently though. Sure every time I stuck my finger in the flame, it felt hot but the flame seemed to do more than just burn me. It engulfed my finger. It danced around my finger. It touched my finger. Then I got to thinking about how everything seems to feel better against bare skin and this was what I ended up with.

The next time something touches you, feel it.

"The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems."

Oh, it's definitely been one of those days. The whole "I fucking hate myself and want to die" theme song resonating in my head is getting old. It's impossible for one to hate themselves so much in one day and keep from doing anything stupid and irrational, but somehow I've managed because the day is almost over and I'm still functioning. 

So, aside from all that self-loathing bullshit, I went and saw Seven Pounds. I would hate to spoil the movie on here, so all I have to say about it is "wow". Despite figuring out what was going on about 15 minutes into the movie, it was still really good and had I any ounce of emotion in my body today I would have cried. I recommend it.

There was something else I had to say, but of course I can't remember what it was. Oh wait! Yes I can!

You see, all day in my annoying mood, I had this strange urge to have my face covered. I buried my face in shoulders, couches, jackets, blankets and I even covered my face with a hat too. It was weird and something tells me I'll be sleeping completely under my blankets tonight because the idea of having my face covered still sounds really really nice. 

I suppose I could also talk about New Years on here too. I went to Disneyland New Year's Eve. HOT DAMN there were a lot of people there. I'm proud to say I didn't have a panic attack in the huge crowd of people before the countdown. But I did ride Tower of Terror, the one ride I said I would never, ever ride again. That made my heart hurt like a mother fucker, but I got over it. So, all in all, I had a very, very nice time. I did think it was extremely funny though that it got so foggy it was impossible to see the fireworks go off at midnight! I laughed. A lot. 

Okay. I think I'm done now.