This is all so annoying; this see-sawing between the highs and lows of every day. The hardest days are the ones where I wake up resenting myself. Do you know what it's like to wake up hating yourself? To want to sleep the day away because you feel like you're not real? Do you sit in the shower unable to move because you're too busy trying to stop imagining yourself dying right there, naked and locked in a small room sitting under an insanely hot stream of water that you can barely feel against your pale, cold skin?
Well, I do. And it's not something people want to here or know or believe, but it's me. It's real. It happens. I deal with it every day. Some days I get in my car and wonder if I'll get in an accident that will kill me. Some days I drive over 100 miles an hour hoping I lose control of the car. Some days I can barely drive at all.
It's all so difficult. It's all so overwhelming.
It's all so real, and I am so imaginary.
So fictional.
So transient.
1 Comments, Questions, and Concerns:
Huh.
You've just described me.
Normally I drive 80, maybe 90 to feel my heart race. A reminder that I'm alive. But then I think about how easy it would be to just turn the wheel only a fraction of an inch and drive off a bridge, never into another car because that's just careless.
The shower is always with the water burning hot. I can stand there for up to an hour, not moving. I leave the bathroom all fogged up but afterwards all I ever do is sleep.
Always sleeping. I don't dream, so sleeping is a way to just not exist for a few hours out of a day. It's my own little way of getting away from it all.
But I never really do because I'm always alone with my thoughts. I don't stay at home often either.
Even right now I can't face my mind. I can hardly ever concentrate.
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