Go ahead and see it all.

I'm really sick of being so ashamed of myself.

I really want to let people in.

Take a look. Go ahead and wince; I'm expecting it.

Today was rough, and I mean really rough. I woke up in pain, but what else does one expect after being hit by a car. To go along with that though I was in one of my moods.

Ohhh, the perks of having borderline personality disorder.


So to put it in a nutshell, I was nothing short of unhappy. I was mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at fact that I was mad. I tried to just brush it off and pretend everything was okay, but I couldn't.


And then I came home. Fuck me if it wasn't one of the worse days I've had in a long time (and it was so you can go enjoy your hand now). I ended up having a complete mental breakdown. It started out as horrible panic attack (today of all days when I had no xanax too) and then it progressed into something more like a fit. I was just a crying mess; self-loathing and a strong desire to hurt myself and all. My mother ended up coming into my room to see what was wrong and that sent me on an entirely different rant! She tried making me feel better: she told me I was everything she ever wanted. Of course, being the insensitive little bitch I am I replied with, "Oh, so you wanted a closed off, mentally unstable, anorexic, self-loathing daughter with a brain disorder?" Needless to say, I made her cry. She said we could "fix" certain things and learn to deal with the rest. But I'm not okay with any of that.


1. I don't want "certain things" fixed. At least not yet.
2. I'm so sick of being "dealt with".


I hate feeling like people feel like they are obligated to help me, or obligated to do something about the way I feel. I'm trying to make people see that there is very little control anyone has over the way I feel, especially when it comes to the way I feel about myself. And to feel as though everyone else feels "obligated" only makes me feel like an even bigger piece of worthless shit. People don't deal with things they're happy to have or want to be around; they deal with things that they feel they can do nothing else with. It's like they're stuck with something, nowhere to go, so they suck it up and deal with it. Just think of how horrible it is to actually feel this way. To keep it simple, when I think of people "dealing with" me I feel so terribly unwanted. The unwanted feelings and hate toward myself are reinforced- I don't like myself and clearly no one else does. It's extremely difficult to fathom and even harder to actually sit through without giving up entirely.


The logic and validity of everything I just said is bound to be challenged. I would prefer that people who think otherwise would consider where I am coming from. I know people like/love/value me, but I can't see why. I don't expect people to be consistent with that either. You like/love/value what you think I am; if you knew the real me you would hate me.