I feel as though I have lost my sense of self but no one else sees that. I look at things I've written in the past and I feel as though I am intruding on someone else's thoughts. It's terrifying, to say the least. I understand things change, people especially, but to see such a drastic change in one's own mind is difficult to just accept.
What happened to the girl with a social life?
Or the optimism?
Or the ambition?
Most importantly though, what happened to the facade she put up so well?
I want it back. I'm sick of being this. If this is what being real is like then I want to be imaginary and make believe again. I can't even fake anything as well as I used to be able to. That bothers me so much too because in all honesty, lying to people about your mental state and what you really think isn't that hard once you've mastered the skill. In fact it's always been very easy for me to get people to think what I want them to think. I'm sure this makes me sound really bad but I don't mind at the moment. Believe me, any negative feelings you could possibly have about me mean nothing to me; I suppose I'm self-centered and more concerned with having to deal with myself than other people.
Color me vindictive.
Color me manipulative.
Color me whatever way you want because you're still going to end up a victim to whatever I decide to do anyways.
A Quick Note:
Don't hold me to any of this. And if it changes the way you think about me, just know I'm laughing in your face right now. If you can't acknowledge your own nature, because you know you have your own flaws and less than socially acceptable tendencies, then you're doomed to lying to yourself. And at the moment lying to yourself is worse than lying to other people to me, but that probably has a lot to do with my current indifference toward everything and lack of happiness with just about every person I know. The indifference and unhappiness will recede eventually, but I'm stuck living in the mood swing and this is the result.
I'm done rambling now.
6 Comments, Questions, and Concerns:
i'm wondering if there's anyone whom you know reads your blog that the hostile remarks are directed towards or if it's more venting than personal.
just curious.
you'll find yourself.
I really don't know who reads this thing at all. I mean, I know you read it and thats about it.
But it does sort of serve as a nice vent that I can direct at anyone, regardless of whether or not they're reading it.
It's actually quite lovely to think about now that you point it out!
hahaha, i know i've had my own share of vent-blogs and i must say they are quite cathartic. :]
you know i read it too
i, is richard - not alex. who is alex? one of my many names in space.
Aw you're right Richard.
I do know you read it too.
Thanks!
Post a Comment