Such a useless week.

You know, it's my second year in college and I have yet to have a good "Spring Break".

I have also not had a day off work since Monday. I know I don't work all day, but hell, it still takes it out of you. And do I really need to mention that, despite working everyday, my next pay check will disappear within five seconds of depositing it.

Like I said, such a useless week.

I'm bored with you California. Do something.

it's many hundred miles and it won't be long.

Train Song - Feist and Ben Gibbard

Good song.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was perfect.

Everything was perfect till you came along.

Word on the street is California's unemployment rate is at 10.1%. Ain't that some shit?

Anyway, I have nothing in particular to write about.

I'm pretty much just sitting at my desk typing for the sake of typing.

It's actually very therapeutic, typing. I like to let my fingers run wild over the keyboard.

I like to listen to the keys click, click, click under my finger tips.

The immediate response of the push of a key to a symbol on the screen is amazing.

And then, after I've typed for a while, I can sit and just stare at words, making sense of it all.

Much of the time it makes no sense at all.

But when it does make sense, I realize my words have potential to be beautiful.

They can be cryptic or mysterious or straight to the point.

They can be everything a beautiful person should be.

Sometimes when there is no magic being made for you, you have to resort to making magic for others.


And that is the lamest thing I could possibly write in order to segue into mentioning that I've applied for a job at Disneyworld. As usual, I've grown bored with the four hour shifts at Starbucks that produce a less than liveable income. I don't plan on quitting Starbucks for Disneyland, I just want a second job that I can look forward to making a 40 minute commute to. I suppose here is where you all say things like "but you hated Disneyworld" and "you said you would never work for them again" and to you I say "suck it!" The circumstances I was under in Disneyworld were different. And lets be honest, you can take the girl out of disney but you can't take the disney out of the girl. I'm a Disney Geek, we all know it. I miss Disneyland more than most of the people I live by out here. I would rather see some little girl in a princess dress running around than see my own friends. Pathetic, I know, but still very true.

Disney told me all it takes is Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust.
Here's to hoping they were on to something.

The Three of Swords has always been my favourite Tarot Card.

It's translated to mean the establishment of something better, after sorrow and extreme pain.

But the card in itself is just lovely to look at.

"...it's only going to take three swords to kill us..."

Now that I have the internet again, I can happily sit on my floor with my laptop resting on my feet while I hunch over and type word after word after word on here. I missed my blog more than I missed checking my e-mail or denying friend requests on Myspace. I had to resort to writing the old fashioned way; a pen and a paper hidden in my room, away from wandering and wondering eyes. Much of what I spent time writing while I didn't have the internet will never be read, though I'm kind of happy about that. There is much more going on in my mind than people realize, and if anyone were to stumble on what I've actually written down they would not like what they saw. It's not all bad though, it's just very raw. Maybe someday I'll go out on a limb and let someone read a little of it.

But let's be real here, I'll probably eat the pages before I let someone else read them.

   So I went to a park today, and when I wasn't hanging upside down on absolutely everything I possibly could I was watching a little blonde girl go about her business at the park. Aside from being young and full of energy, she was also watching me. I'm not sure what she noticed about me; perhaps she was thinking why is this older girl hanging upside down and climbing all over everything like I am? Watching her though, I noticed the simplicity of a child's mind. I've seen this simplicity in my own little sister's way of thinking and every time I see it, I get a little angry. Children hardly ever see the hostility in the world around them; they don't look for cars because they assume the cars will look for them. They don't think they are just as likely to kidnapped as any of their friends because that would never happen to them. All they want to do is play, and laugh, and have fun. Their fun is pure and not plagued by worries of getting hurt, or sunburned, or anything else. It's perfectly attainable to them. It makes perfect sense to them. Why should they do homework or clean their room when the sun is shining and the kid next door is yelling for them to come outside and join the fun?

It's sad that this simplicity is lost overtime. It's sad that we go from being playful and lighthearted to goal-oriented, money making, machines in a society that has no interest in the weather unless it's going to interfere with their afternoon commute.

Luckily enough, I have my eight year old sister to keep me on my toes. She reminds me that it doesn't hurt to go outside and cover the sidewalks with chalk or fall off of a scooter or dirty my white t-shirt with mud and otter pops. She finds dancing around my room just as rewarding as I find my education. She's still living unaffected by recessions and elections and newspaper headlines. It's a depressing and beautiful all at the same time; beautiful because she's still so innocent and playful but depressing because it's something most of us will never be ever again.

here's the deal; my internet hasn't been working for what seems like forever now so i can't really update anything at all. it's amazing how disconnected from the world i feel just because i can't check my e-mail.

anyway, i've been, um, feeling better lately. i can't really explain why, i mean i could but i don't expect anyone to understand that doesn't already know what i do to feel better. 

school's been a good.

i'm working again.

i also overdrew my bank account which means i have NO money.

yay! go me.

haha.

um.

i'm done.

much love.

I've been having horrible, horrible dreams lately. Most of them, I just keep to myself because they usually involve other people and if someone were dreaming about me the way I've been dreaming about everyone else, I would hope they wouldn't tell me. But aside from the usual nightmares involving everyone else, I've been having dreams about myself lately.

In one of them I was sitting in a chair while an "older me" was yelling at me. I'm tempted to say she was angry, but that would be quite the understatement.

At least she was pretty though?

:D

The second one I had involving the "older me" was at Disneyland. She was chasing me all over the park, but I kept evading her somehow. And I was having fun during the entire thing until I would catch sight of her; my stomach would drop and I would turn and run.

Those two aren't that bad though. I just think it's funny that an "older me" is harassing me via dreams. This next dream though, wow. I had it while taking a nap yesterday and it is just etched in my mind. 

All around me was white. There was nothing concrete around me, just white white white. I was sitting with my legs bent under me and I was wearing this shirt that was way to big for me. It hung off of me and my back and side were completely visible. As the dream went on, what I really looked like came into focus. My legs were almost completely bone and insides; no skin. I was hunched over, crying, and with every move I made from crying my skin would rip open to expose more bone and muscle. I could hear it. I could feel it. There was blood everywhere. Finally, I saw my face in this dream. From my left ear, across my cheek, under my nose, around my mouth, and to beneath my right ear I had no flesh. I was bleeding and of course, could see all the bone in my face. It was horrible. My eyes were bloodshot and my hair was a pathetic mess: frizzy, thinning, and dirty. 

I can't get that picture out of my head. 

Anyway, I'm done writing about dreams. 

Sleep tight, don't let the skeletons bite.

Love, Love, Love.

12 - All You Need Is Love.mp3 -

I have not had a morning like this in quite a while. It all started when I decided to go to sleep at about 12:45am, maybe a little later. Despite sleeping almost all day yesterday, I was actually really tired and looking forward to going to sleep. Unfortunately, my brain decided it was going to have one of those “you’re not sleeping because I’m going to sit here and think think think till you reach some sort of epiphany” nights. So I laid in my bed for five hours or so listening to the Beatles and thinking about everything imaginable. Most of my thoughts were focused on the mess that I’ve become over the course of two weeks and the fact that I don’t want to feel like I have been any more. Of course I went right into “rationalization/explanation” mode and blamed it on a serotonin surplus and dopamine deficiency in my brain, not to mention the fact that I have been off my medicine for a while now. Thinking about that did not make me happy. I do this thing where I reduce everything down to some sort of psychobabble and call it a day. I’m not saying I’m wrong for doing that though because in all honesty, it is science and chemical imbalances in the brain are tough to dispute. But either way, I eventually decided that I didn’t want to be on my meds again- or at least not just yet. I have never been one to underestimate the power of the mind, so if my serotonin and dopamine levels are all out of wack, so what?! I believe there is power in the mind to overcome that (and if not enough to overcome it completely then enough to keep me going for a little while).

                By the time I come to this conclusion it was 5:45 in the morning and my alarm was screaming at me to get up for work. So I got out of bed feeling good (I’m not sure if it was happy, but it was definitely content). I got ready for work and rushed out the door because I was under the impression that I was going to be late.

Let me be the first to tell you that you cannot be late for work when you show up at 6:30am and realize your shift isn’t until 6:30pm.

                Yeah. I went to work twelve hours early. How’s that for punctual, huh? It wasn’t all that bad though. I mean, I was awake and obviously I wasn’t late for work. Not to mention I got a good laugh out of the entire thing. But most importantly I got to come home and enjoy the morning! I’m not a fan of waking up early because I tend to sleep horribly, but I have always loved mornings. It has something to do with the way the day feels fresh and new and perfect. Anyway, after I got back home from making a fool out of myself at work I decided to work on my homework because I knew sleep was just not going to happen. So I sat down to read the assigned reading for my World Religions class. The book, written by Thich Nhat Hanh is called Teachings on Love and is centered on the importance of love in our everyday lives and the Four Immeasurable Minds.

Before I knew it, it was 10:30 and I had read the entire book.

                It was very- and I don’t intend to play on the word here- enlightening. If I go into detail on this thing, I run the risk of writing my own book about Love. So instead, I’ve decided to quote the book and just leave you with the option of mulling them over in your mind and seeing what you can get from them on your own. Before I start typing those quotes out though, I want to say that I highly recommend this book to anyone; atheists, Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, everyone. Just because you don’t practice a religion or adopt it’s beliefs doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty to learn from the ideas.

Enjoy!

“Until we are able to love and take care of ourselves, we cannot be of much help to others.”

“Feelings flow in us like a river, and each feeling is a drop of water in that river.”

“The moment you see how important it is to love yourself, you will stop making others suffer.”

“To love is to first of all accept yourself as you actually are.”

“To have a deep and direct understanding of another person, you must become one with him or her.”

“Don’t be angry at your anger. Don’t try to chase it away or suppress it. Acknowledge that it has arisen and take care of it.”

“Our notions of happiness entrap us. We forget that they are just ideas. Our idea of happiness can prevent us from actually being happy.”

“In true love, there is no place for pride.”

“When we are irritated, we may say things that are destructive. So when we feel irritated, we should refrain from saying anything.”

“We see that the other person, like us, has both flowers and garbage inside, and we accept this…Our partner is a flower. If we take care of her well, she will grow beautifully. If we take care of her poorly, she will wither. To help a flower grow well, we must understand her nature.”

“That sanity of the body is the sanity of the mind; the violation of the body is the violation of the mind.”

“Where there is understanding, there is love.”

“We do not know everything. But we can minimize out ignorance. Confucius said, “To know that you don’t know is the beginning of knowing.””

“We can’t afford to love for less than twenty-four hours a day.”

“You may think happiness is possibly only in the future, but if you learn to stop running, you will see that there are more than enough conditions for you to be happy right now. The only moment for us to be alive in is the present moment. The past is already gone and the future is not here yet. Only in the present moment can we touch life and be deeply alive.”

Sometimes I feel like a hug would make everything better. Then I start thinking about how not often I am hugged, so I give up on the whole hug thing and write a stupid blog entry.

I miss San Francisco. 

I miss Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf and the dirty, strung out atmosphere of Haight-Ashbury.

I want to eat clam chowder in a bread bowl while it rains outside.

I want to stand at one end of the Golden Gate Bridge and stare down toward the other imagining how long it would take me to walk across.

I wouldn't be opposed to running away for a day, so long as money wasn't an issue.

Let's stop in San Jose and tour the Winchester Mansion.

River Flows In You - Yiruma

Something I wrote a while back. It's incomplete, of course, but it gives people who read this a change of pace.

The weather was perfect for the night: dark, morose; a soft rain falling outside the girl’s second story bedroom. The calm chill of the wind snuck in through a small opening in her window and as it ran across her bare shoulders, goose bumps covered her frail frame. Without completely waking, she shivered beneath her blankets and instinctually pulled her comforter up to cover her body. Just as she fell back into that deep sleep she’d been craving for so many sleepless nights, he appeared out of nowhere..

And he came with the most evil of intentions.

If not for the moon shining in through the window, his dark and slender silhouette would have been lost in the shadows against the wall. But even amidst the pallid moonlight, his face remained unseen. Careful to avoid the moonlight, he moved around the room, creeping closer and closer to the girl while she slept. Soon, he was close enough to hear the faint sighs coming from the small opening of her mouth.

She breathed in…

…and breathed out.

The composed rhythm of her breath seemed so out of place for what was going on. Perhaps if she had been awake her breathing might be a little different; shorter breaths, a rapid heartbeat. But He knew it was her ignorance that allowed her to sleep so peacefully. She had no idea what was about to happen. She didn’t even know He was there. So instead of reacting to what was about to happen to her, she breathed in…

…and breathed out.

Not allowing himself to get lost in the alluring rhythm of her breathing, He maneuvered himself onto her bed in a sudden and swift, fluid-like movement without waking her. Though he made no sound, the way he held himself over her made his excitement apparent. He kept himself poised over her by leaning on a colorless hand, while his other hand gently pulled back her blankets, exposing her bare shoulders. Her tanned skin in the moonlight was almost enough to make him lose control, but he managed to keep himself calm. He wanted to prolong this moment. Opportunities like this were hard to come by, so He paced himself in order to make it worthwhile.

            With the girl’s bare shoulders taunting him, the desire to touch her and run his hand over her body became almost unbearable. But He knew He couldn’t touch her just yet, so He held his hand just enough above her body to feel the heat pulsating off of her skin. The warmth coming off of her body was intoxicating; the blood pulsing in her veins rattled his bones and he enjoyed every moment of it. 

Every onomatopoeia just punched me in the stomach.

I could lay on the sand and let the ocean claim me for it's own. I could roll with the waves, losing more and more breath with every crash made against the sand. Eventually, I could float out to see and disappear in the seemingly endless depths of the ocean. At the bottom of the ocean, I would lay peacefully watching the underwater world go about their business. I would be ineffectual. I would be insignificant. I would be gone.

Here's to hoping I wake up early enough to finish my homework tomorrow.

I've been so out of wack this past week. Up is down, down is up, blue is orange, and there seems to be sugar in my diet soda. 

But tomorrow is Monday. 

Unlike the majority of the world, I really like Mondays.I was born on a Monday and a rainy one too. Mondays are my Sunday's; new week, new start.