the day you lose your shirt is the day you lose your mind.

...and my personal favourites...

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no."

God damn my inability to sleep! I have to work in less than four hours!! I've been up since seven this morning. 

"I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset

Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git."

I've decided to work myself into the ground this week! I'm sick of Starbucks royally fucking me over with hours and then living paycheck to paycheck of amounts of money that even a homeless man would find pathetic. So far, I'm still breathing and I haven't lost my temper at work so it's all peachy! Tomorrow I have a split shift, meaning I'll be at the cafe for hours and then stuck in the drive through for another four hours. You can see why I really need sleep, huh? Oh well...perhaps I'll just work and then rush home and sleep the afternoon away tomorrow.

On a different note, I really need school to start soon. I can't wait to move out of my house, to have something other than work to pass the time, and to hopefully re-establish some semblance of a social life. (Baby steps, Stephanie Kate. No need to rush.) And that personal reminder means there's a good chance I'm fixing to run before walking.

I can't wait!

I don't watch the news often; I prefer to read it. 

I see these news anchors reading words like robots and pedestrians being interviewed and revealed as complete idiots and you know what it does to me?

It embarrasses me.

In other news, I can't wait to go to Washington. I'm terribly sick of everyone, and by "sick of" I really mean I'm pushing anyone I possibly can away. Nothing feels worth it anymore.

heathen!

Here is a little letter I wrote. I took myself out of this dark room I am lying sleepless in and wrote for a character that not even I hold to be relevant. Read it. Tell me what you think. Or don't. Either way, it passed the time very well.

If there ever was a need for an apology, it was now and though I know this explanation is long overdue, I can’t help but hope you keep in mind that all of this only happened because of you.

Naturally, by “you” I mean to encompass the entire human race in one simple three letter word. If I were to constantly refer to you as “humans” and other words along the same lines it would only widen the gap that has already been made to exist between us. You have dubbed me a deity, given me a sense of superiority over you, and because of that we are unable to see each other as equals. Instead we only maintain a sort of business like relationship where when one of us is the client, the other is forced to be a salesman, a businessman, or a therapist. Unfortunately for us both, this relationship has endured over time so there is little hope that we will ever be able to walk, side by side, unaware of whom is taller.

That being said, I would like to continue with my apology.

Primarily, I am sorry for not being able to be everything you’ve ever needed me to be. There is such a vast diversity among you, as a people, that your needs are not only different but perpetually changing. Initially, it wasn’t so difficult to cater to your needs, but then you grew and populated an entire planet, discovered sciences and technologies, and noticed the differences you all have developed amongst yourselves. This makes it very hard to be there for all of you.

But instead of boring you with things you already know, I feel it is crucial to tell you things you might not be aware of. Take for instance, my childhood.

Yes, that’s correct: I had a childhood, and a very unorthodox one at that. Where you, as individuals, were conceived and birthed from the loins of your parents, I was conceived and birthed through a collective conscious you all once shared. I am your first born; your pride and joy. But just as you were prone to disappointing those who created you, so was (and still am) I. As a mere child, I looked to you for answers and entertainment. I couldn’t help but question why you did the things you did and when I wasn’t questioning you, I couldn’t resist testing you; testing your allegiance and love for me. It would be cruel to put you through trial after trial just for the sake of doing it, so believe me, I always had a reason.

But surely you must remember what it was like to be a child; to need the approval of your parents, to innocently give in to temptations and find your limits with them? Simply put, that is what I did with you and just as any respectable parent would do, you responded with the equivalent of punishment but ever-enduring compassion for me. And for that, I thank you greatly.

Next came my adolescent years which, I feel compelled to tell you, were just as arduous as those you went through yourself. For you, adolescence is a time for growing up and finding direction. Does it surprise you to know that it was exactly the same for me? In that time of my existence I made some very important decisions. I realized you outnumbered me six-billion to one and it was absolutely impossible for me to be just one identity to you. I had to let you know I was multi-faceted; that there were parts of me waiting for all of you and other parts of me that were likely to disappoint you. This is when you took me and tore me into shreds, giving me so many identities that it was much easier to quench your very vast variety of thirsts. It was a difficult thing to live with at first though. I wanted so deeply to maintain one identity, and for that identity to be the ultimate answer for your needs. I quickly realized, though, that this took wishful thinking to a much higher level and, as some of you have done with me, I let it go. That being said, it is time we segued into my adult life.

Finally, I reached a point in my life where I was no longer in need of your parental approval, but very much so still your child. I learned to be there for you when you needed me, if only to listen, all while maintaining my own life. I learned to love you for what you were; your flaws, your perks, your extraordinary talents all while you still held on to the image you initially had of me upon my conception. And now that I am elderly and have had the chance to exist alongside you to the best of my abilities, I offer a long-overdue apology.

As I have learned, not only from my own upbringing but from observing the way you raise those who you give birth to, there is a natural expectation a parent has for a child. Unfortunately, somewhere along the lines, you seem to have turned yourselves into my children and this had disrupted the ebb and flow of our relationship. Hard as it may be to believe, I have very little power over any of you. In fact, you exert a much greater amount of power over me, for I am constantly being torn into even smaller pieces to be what you need me to be. Still, I am sorry for not being everything you initially expected. Furthermore I am sorry for not being able to explain any of this sooner. Surely, some of your older generations can appreciate and agree with me that there is a sense of intelligence that is only capable of attainment through retrospection. My hindsight has allowed me to see not only the error of your ways, but also the error of mine.

I was much to present but not enough at the same time. I now see that perhaps I should have straightened a few things out with you before using the power you bestowed upon me.

My biggest mistake was allowing you to believe that I created you. That is not true. Your creation, though still a mystery to me, is not because of me. Perhaps you exist because that is how the natural order of things worked out, or perhaps there is someone greater than me- an older, wiser version of myself who put you into existence so that I may exist. I feel as though we may never know because, as we both have learned, things age and then they die. It is just how the cycle goes. So please, I am begging of you, you must not tell your children that I created you and you especially must refrain from telling them you were created in my image. If anything, that is an insult to you. Like I said before, I am the offspring of your long-since passed collective conscious; your ancestors created me, birthed me into the heavens and allowed me to exist alongside you. There is no way that I could have created you- how would the created create the creator? A silly way of wording that statement, I know, but I feel like that puts things into perspective for the both of us.

All that being said I would also like to make one more request of you. As I stated earlier, you have branched into so many different types of people that it was impossible for me to exist as one, forcing you to tear me to shreds. So please, love each other and respect the different ideas you have of me. When your day comes, when you will cease to exist, you will see that there has always only been one of me, I have just been dispersed among you to fit in everywhere I possibly can.

Again, I am sorry for any trouble I might have caused you. I am sorry for the mental anguish that comes with my very questionable existence, and I am sorry that it took so long for me to be able to tell you any of this. Still, I would like you to know that I am more than grateful to have remained a part of your lives for such a long amount of time and I can only hope that, in the future, I am able to be even more of what you need. Thank you, for my existence, for your love, for your endurance, but mostly I want to thank you for your faith.

 

Yours truly,

God.

a year. or so.

i have work at 5:30 in the morning so, naturally, i've been awake all night. fortunately, that part is mostly irrelevant to this here little reflection.

i got to thinking, as i always do, about Hawaii and how much i miss the place and all that jazz. well, i eventually ended up taking a little photo-journey through the past year or so of my life to kill time and now that i've run out of pictures to look at, all i can do is think about that year. or so.

    I started in Hawaii, obviously, where i began what would be one of the most life changing endeavors my adolescent self had ever embarked on. for the first time in my life, i was on my own and responsible for myself. i wasn't even eighteen, but somehow i was smoking cigarettes and ditching classes and meeting people i never would have guessed existed. unfortunately, it wasn't all easy and lucky and free; i was in dire need of a job, but i had never worked before. so i did what anyone as out of their mind as me would do and i applied (and was accepted) for the Disney College Program in Florida, Orlando.

 jump to a good three thousand miles away, and there I was in Orlando starting all over again. it's not as bad as it sounds though, in fact i quite like it. anyway, Disney World is responsible for introducing me, not only to the life of someone who actually has to work for a living, but to the life of someone aware that there is something mentally wrong with her. don't get me wrong though! i enjoyed Florida; i love the people, love everything we did together, and miss them all like you wouldn't believe but Florida is where i fell apart, both physically and mentally.

and where did i end up? back in California; the bane of my existence. and here is where i really fell apart; trying therapy, trying anti-depressants, trying cutting, trying starving, trying burning, trying yelling- trying to live with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (on top of an anxiety/panic disorder, clinical depression, and a slightly schizotypal personality as well as passive/aggressive personality disorder). still, i've had my share of news and olds and all that since moving back and i think it's time i just get to the point.

long story and lengthy explanation short, the past year (or so) of my life has really been a memorable one, if nothing else. in that short span of time i went from being whatever i was socially in high school to a freshman in college worried about getting good grades.

to a girl willing to dabble in social vices.

to worrying about how i was going to financially survive.

to discovering the beauty and ease in pill-popping.

to feeling downright insane and wanting to die.

to realizing my body changed and using the worst of ways to maintain a more desired body.

to starting all over in the very place i began.

to allowing myself to actually feel for someone.

to have that feeling all go to waste and getting a taste of heart break.

to wondering how i'm going to get through every hour of every day.

to trying to maintain the toxicity i'm capable of.

to learning to actually say "i love you" and mean it.

to genuinely missing things and people i used to have.

to not feeling like i'm present enough to those i do have.

to wondering if i need to be sent away.

to wanting nothing more than a little happiness.

to sitting down, sleepless, and realizing that i've grown up and it's too late for anything close to Neverland.