a year. or so.

i have work at 5:30 in the morning so, naturally, i've been awake all night. fortunately, that part is mostly irrelevant to this here little reflection.

i got to thinking, as i always do, about Hawaii and how much i miss the place and all that jazz. well, i eventually ended up taking a little photo-journey through the past year or so of my life to kill time and now that i've run out of pictures to look at, all i can do is think about that year. or so.

    I started in Hawaii, obviously, where i began what would be one of the most life changing endeavors my adolescent self had ever embarked on. for the first time in my life, i was on my own and responsible for myself. i wasn't even eighteen, but somehow i was smoking cigarettes and ditching classes and meeting people i never would have guessed existed. unfortunately, it wasn't all easy and lucky and free; i was in dire need of a job, but i had never worked before. so i did what anyone as out of their mind as me would do and i applied (and was accepted) for the Disney College Program in Florida, Orlando.

 jump to a good three thousand miles away, and there I was in Orlando starting all over again. it's not as bad as it sounds though, in fact i quite like it. anyway, Disney World is responsible for introducing me, not only to the life of someone who actually has to work for a living, but to the life of someone aware that there is something mentally wrong with her. don't get me wrong though! i enjoyed Florida; i love the people, love everything we did together, and miss them all like you wouldn't believe but Florida is where i fell apart, both physically and mentally.

and where did i end up? back in California; the bane of my existence. and here is where i really fell apart; trying therapy, trying anti-depressants, trying cutting, trying starving, trying burning, trying yelling- trying to live with my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (on top of an anxiety/panic disorder, clinical depression, and a slightly schizotypal personality as well as passive/aggressive personality disorder). still, i've had my share of news and olds and all that since moving back and i think it's time i just get to the point.

long story and lengthy explanation short, the past year (or so) of my life has really been a memorable one, if nothing else. in that short span of time i went from being whatever i was socially in high school to a freshman in college worried about getting good grades.

to a girl willing to dabble in social vices.

to worrying about how i was going to financially survive.

to discovering the beauty and ease in pill-popping.

to feeling downright insane and wanting to die.

to realizing my body changed and using the worst of ways to maintain a more desired body.

to starting all over in the very place i began.

to allowing myself to actually feel for someone.

to have that feeling all go to waste and getting a taste of heart break.

to wondering how i'm going to get through every hour of every day.

to trying to maintain the toxicity i'm capable of.

to learning to actually say "i love you" and mean it.

to genuinely missing things and people i used to have.

to not feeling like i'm present enough to those i do have.

to wondering if i need to be sent away.

to wanting nothing more than a little happiness.

to sitting down, sleepless, and realizing that i've grown up and it's too late for anything close to Neverland.