Oh, the monotony of resuming school is already driving me insane.
I talked to this man at work today who told me it was his first day going back to work in a few months. Naturally I told him I was jealous because the only time I've been out of work for an extended period of time was because of my knee surgery and you know what he told me?
"Sometimes you just have to get away...theres nothing wrong with it, in fact it's healthy. People don't seem to understand that."
That being said, it should be known that I am currently forcing myself to write this because I don't have the option of just running away right now.
IN SHORT, today was not a very good day for me. Okay, no. That's a lie. Today started out really well for me but I've been feeling very...off lately and I guess I've been long overdue one of these days. I haven't felt as terrible as I did today in a about a month and, in all honesty, that's a really long time for me. Anyway, back to my story.
Last semester I was utterly fucked in the head. I laid in bed all day, watching The Wall over and over and over, only to get up at night and drink until I was drunk enough to feel numb. I was going through xanax withdraws, doing even stupider things that I really don't want to admit here and really just trying to fuck things up as much as possible without disrupting the entire order of the world. I gave in to the self-destructive side of me as much as I could and in all honesty it made me feel like...me. If that makes any sense.
So one night, I decided I wanted to be absolutely belligerent- almost to the point of blacking out. Instead, I ended up having a really good night and was some semblance of happy. Unfortunately, "happy" has a way of being extremely short lived with me so (of course) something went wrong and my CA ended up reporting me to some woman who I had to talk to today.
Without getting in to any real detail about the situation, the woman I had to talk to decided that I need to see yet another therapist and be psychologically assessed yet again because I am apparently incapable of coping on my own. The entire thing really pushed me down that rabbit hole I've evaded for so long and I was (and still kind of am) utterly miserable and angry, only not at the woman who decided this or any of that.
Who am I angry at?
ME.
I am SO sick of this crazy thing. In all honesty, it's getting overwhelming again so maybe therapy is a good idea, but I am not in a good mood so I am not going to admit to admitting that. Instead, I am going to say that I have once again reached a point where I can't stand myself. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me and I know no one wants to read that or hear it but fuck it. That's how I work. I don't know how long it will last this time, but I know that I cannot ignore the feeling anymore. It's been creeping up on me- despite whatever is going on in my life that I actually do enjoy- and it's finally gotten to me.
UGH. I haven't mentally purged like this in a while but it's not feeling like enough right now. So fuck this. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and pretend I feel better than I do.
That's all. Fuck this game. I'm angry again. Lovely.
