WHY WHY WHY must I get like this?

I don't even feel like explaining what I mean by "this". It's tiring and if people haven't picked up on it by now then they can all go service themselves in a disease ridden restroom.

I'm not a happy person right now. I wish I could lie and say I was but I am not.

I have been awake since four in the morning, save forty minutes where I had a nightmare in the middle of the day. I worked at Starbucks. I did homework. I worked at Mustard Seed. Came back, did homework and you would THINK I would be asleep right now.

I am not.

I can't even fall asleep.

I have one xanax left which means this panic attack I can feel coming on is not going to be foiled.

I have taken nine Kava Kava pills and I don't feel better.

I have been off my meds for exactly a week now and that weird body-shock-feeling that happens has returned. I'm grinding my teeth. Lashing out. All that jazz.

At least I'm not threatening to kill myself though...that means it's not the depression thats out of control.

UGH. FUCK. ME.

I'm over this. Writing isn't any fun right now...I don't even give a rat's ass about what I just wrote or what it sounds like. It's scattered. I'm complaining. I know all this.

Fuck it. I don't fucking care.

I'm so tempted to get in my car and take off...there's nowhere to go though. Nowhere I could get, at least.

I'll go lay in the dark now I guess. I don't know. I just want a hug.