When Alanis Morisette's "Mary Jane" and "Perfect" dominate the internal soundtrack to your day, something might be up.

When going through the motions of everyday tasks leave you lethargic and completely unfulfilled, something might be up.

When you haven't had a restful night of sleep in two weeks because you can't shut your eyes without nightmares dominating the black of your eyelids, something might be up.

I guess what I'm saying is something might be up.

I try to keep this shit to myself...I really do...but sometimes, shit happens and it gets a little overwhelming. The worst part is I'm not sure what is overwhelming me. I've been having mini-panic attacks every two hours or so, but I'm so used to them no one notices. I can pass it off as a heart palpitation or a weird feeling just like that. But the fact of the matter is, I'm terrified. I'm not sure exactly what I'm terrified of but I know it's there and it scares the living shit not only of my conscious mind, but of my subconscious too. I really don't care to know what it is that's bothering me. I just want it to stop. Last night I had a really terrible nightmare and I left a little girl in the nightmare to survive on her own.

It hurt to wake up. She was clinging to me...begging me to see the end of the nightmare through with her. But I couldn't. I had to wake up. It wasn't restful sleep and my body- as well as my mind- was terrified beyond belief. I don't know who this little girl was, but her face will stay with me forever as she clings tightly around my waist, pleading I don't leave her.

I still can't believe I left her to deal with that nightmare. She's probably trapped in my dream somewhere, suffering at the expense of my selfish nature.

I smoke a cigarette while she probably cried in terror.

How dare I.

I can't make sense of anything right now. I just need a few good hugs, a day off, and a night of good sleep.

Apparently that's too much to ask for.
Oh well.
I suppose I'll deal, as always.