words, words, words.

I want to know if there’s a word that just rubs you the wrong way- makes you uncomfortable and anxious and distraught no matter where you hear it.

For me, it’s the word “ambition”. Dictionary.com defines ambition as “an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment” but the word means so much more to me. When you grow up around a certain word, and you constantly hear it used to describe you it gets implanted in your brain and starts to grow, much like a tumor. Over time, this tumor becomes malignant and infests all your thoughts, your dreams, and your free time. What’s worse is I know this tumor has outgrown my own ambitious nature and has developed a violently ardent nature of its own. The side effects of this? Nothing short of self doubt and a terrible fear of failure. It started out with simply questioning myself as to whether or not I am ambitious enough, but as the tumor grows so does the self analysis. Suddenly I don’t find myself ambitious at all and take any and every opportunity I can to challenge myself to be more ambitious. I set ridiculous goals, the kind you don’t say out loud because other people “just don’t understand”, and I become hell bent on proving to myself I can achieve them, no matter how miniscule and trivial these goals are. It’s an addicting game to play, especially when the only person playing is you. But enough about how I react to this word, I’m much more curious as to what words tick other people off because I find it obvious why the word “ambition” gets such a reaction out of me only I’m not sure if that reason is so obvious to other people. Tell me your word. I want to know your word, your tumor, your side effects. The good natured, curious learner side of me is itching to compare and contrast reactions. But I have to be honest when I say the twisted, dejected side of me just wants to get inside your head for a quick fix.

Humor me.

((The word "goodbye" holds no significance in my reality anyways.))

One day, you're going to see it my way. A light bulb is going to flicker on and you'll finally understand what I'm talking about.
But until that day you'll just continue to annoy me with your constant misery.

My problem with you doesn't lie in who you are or what you do. It's who you're trying to be and what you're not going to do. You're miserable. You're unhappy. You hate where you are and on top of that, you're fake and insecure in the worst of ways. Your problem lies in your inability to get over things. You dwell and dwell and dwell until whatever's bothering you consumes you and takes over, ruining not only your day but everyone elses. You're running on some sick, masochistic, drive that feeds you misery in return for attention and the more attention you're giving it, the more miserable you're getting. Its a correlation you're never going to acknowledge and the Freud in me wishes you knew what it meant when I say, "You're letting the Id control you." It only bothers me so much because you're living, breathing, walking, talking, crying, bitching, moaning proof that misery loves company (and quite frankly, you're cliche enough as it is).


To avoid dwelling on such a miserable subject, let's talk goodbye.

The verdict is in, and I've decided saying goodbye is worse than someone just leaving unannounced.

You see, when you say goodbye you’re forcing yourself to be okay with someone going away. You’re trying to make yourself ready for something you really aren’t ready for. Now perhaps they just leave without saying goodbye- without setting a date. Just up and gone! Now you really think you’re a mess, because you “didn’t get to say goodbye”. But really, I think this is the way to form a healthy attachment to someone; If you say goodbye, you’re leaving no room for a struggle. Both people feel like what’s done is done and learn to move on. But if you don’t say goodbye, then there’s a lingering attachment that leaves you striving to stay connected. To always want and need this person to be just one call or text away. Without saying goodbye, you challenge yourself to have hope and to see someone again.
This is how you say “see you later”. This is how you say “stay in my life”.

I suppose my little theory doesn't work well when it comes to people dying, but thats an entirely different cup of chai. I believe I've done enough ranting, though I'm not sure this blog will suffice for a month of absence. I'm getting used to this writing-all-the-time-thing again, and with so much to say I often find myself saying nothing at all.

I'll work on it.

[no subject]

I’m working on re-discovering my grace with words.

A self-proclaimed writer, I pride myself on the words dancing off my fingertips. Only now that my words have found themselves off beat and dancing on the wrong foot, I’m not quick to tell the tales I have to tell.

My love for my own verbal offspring is completely conditional and I can openly admit that.

Something here is obviously dysfunctional and not good for the family environment I’m trying to mimic. This renders every thought I have mutated and socially unacceptable. As the motherly figure in this horrible metaphor, I’m slowly being reduced to tears as I slide a leather skirt over my razor burned thighs and walk the literary streets of shame.

I’m doing everything I can for this family, but I just need a little bit more compassion and compliance from these god forsaken children who just don’t seem to understand the trouble I go through every night. Slaving over the key board as though it’s a burning stove, I’m sweating and trying to cool these third degree burns without wincing. I’m strong, I keep telling myself but I know it’s only a matter of time before I get so fed up I take a drive out to the ravine and take care of things the old fashioned way.