to clear things up.

they're screaming at me again. "it's all your fault, Stephanie! all your fault!"
of course i'm quoting them incorrectly. everyone knows they don't address me by my name and they would never just leave it at "it's all your fault". everyone knows there's an entire list attached to the accusation. why wouldn't there be? don't be silly though, it's a list. just a list. there's no explanation so just jump back to that monday morning 18 years and some odd months ago. 4:20 in the morning, that's when the trouble started really. it had to happen at some ungodly hour, didn't it? sure, you could have waited until at least 8 when the sun was up, but no. you insisted on then. that early.
and ever since then you've been nothing but a nuisance.


it all makes more sense now. i am to blame. i am not that 'accidental semi-perminant reminder of the carelessness of young love'. no, i am Responsible For Everything and i am here: sick, crying, and throwing up just like i deserve.

I hate not sounding like myself.

Fuck you and your definition of healthy. Fuck you and all your standards.
And most importantly, just FUCK YOU.


Now that I've got that off my chest, let's proceed.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to go to school this semester. Everything's so fucked up right now. My school loan is non-existant. I haven't worked in three weeks or something ridiculous like that and I have to get knee surgery because my loving fucking parents didn't get it done when they should have. You know what. I get it now. I need to blow some steam.

I have the most selfish fucking parents you can think of. They're money hungry, self centered, and completely oblivious to anything going on in anyone else's life. I've been practically screaming "I'M FUCKING CRAZY! SEND ME TO A DOCTOR!" for months now, but nothing. I even picked up my god damned life and moved to fucking California hell for crying out loud and they still refuse to do anything beneficial to my well being. All they tell me is "We'll figure it out Stephanie" but you know what? Thats the biggest load of shit I've ever had to listen to day after day after day. There are very few people who can say the word 'we' and have it mean anything to me because of my parents. They've always said "we'll do this" and "we'll do that" but it always turns into me doing everything for myself. Figuring it all out. Dealing with my own mental fucking health because "we" are incapable.
Fuck you.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.


FUCK.


I just fucked up bad, I think. I'm good at that.
Shit.
I hate things.