Fuck you and your definition of healthy. Fuck you and all your standards.
And most importantly, just FUCK YOU.
Now that I've got that off my chest, let's proceed.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to go to school this semester. Everything's so fucked up right now. My school loan is non-existant. I haven't worked in three weeks or something ridiculous like that and I have to get knee surgery because my loving fucking parents didn't get it done when they should have. You know what. I get it now. I need to blow some steam.
I have the most selfish fucking parents you can think of. They're money hungry, self centered, and completely oblivious to anything going on in anyone else's life. I've been practically screaming "I'M FUCKING CRAZY! SEND ME TO A DOCTOR!" for months now, but nothing. I even picked up my god damned life and moved to fucking California hell for crying out loud and they still refuse to do anything beneficial to my well being. All they tell me is "We'll figure it out Stephanie" but you know what? Thats the biggest load of shit I've ever had to listen to day after day after day. There are very few people who can say the word 'we' and have it mean anything to me because of my parents. They've always said "we'll do this" and "we'll do that" but it always turns into me doing everything for myself. Figuring it all out. Dealing with my own mental fucking health because "we" are incapable.
Fuck you.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK.
I just fucked up bad, I think. I'm good at that.
Shit.
I hate things.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I hate not sounding like myself.
Straight from the mind of stephanie. sometime around 8:41 PM
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5 Comments, Questions, and Concerns:
my parents are the same. some people weren't meant to have children, all they've done is neglect me.
i don't eat healthy, i waste my paychecks on junk food, DAILY. sometimes even more than that. i've never been to a decent doctor. i desperately need braces and i've only ever been to the doctor once.
and yeah, i'm not all mentally there either. i'm looking into getting some therapy at school or something, since i know my dad looks down on therapy and my mom herself needs it. life's shit, man. i want to be a parent to be able to fucking treat a child like they're supposed to be treated.
...i'm rambling, sorry.
You're not rambling.
and I'm thinking of going to talk to someone through school as well. My mother isn't helping my mental health any.
But as for some people not meant for parenting? I'm not even going to risk putting some kid through hell like this. No kids for meeeee~
i used to freak out at the idea and i still kinda do, but i dunno. i think some maternal side of me is starting to grow. kinda freaky, to be honest.
Oh I completely understand.
It's part of our genetice make up, but I still don't want children. There are other ways to alleviate that maternal instinct.
:D
I agree with Marcela that some parents are not meant to be parents, but you know what? In all of the misery you are feeling there's a reason you are in that place.
Always remember we are not a victim of our past. I have always blamed and pointed my fingers at my parents for being shitty parents, and as a child we want to feel like one, but some of us are not lucky enough to have that fate.
You have lived long enough in your life to know that your parents are not the ones to rely on, then do not expect anything from them. Lessen your expectations and it will hurt less. Take your entire life into your own hands and pick yourself up.
It hurts even more when you see children with good parents, to see the alternative you could have, but instead we are given a life of abandonment and neglection. Its easy to always find something to blame it on, but you need to figure it out for yourself.
When I picked up my life (even if its not out of the state) was so that I did not have to be stuck in a home where there was a constant reminder that my life was miserable. My parents did not do anything beneficial for me either, I lacked the emotional support and other support that a normal 18 year old should have, but its all in the human will.
DO NOT SLIP. You have more potential than to slip. Instead, take that unstable ground and learn to balance on it.
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