you know, i keep a lot to myself. more than people realize i think.
but sometimes, on nights much like this one, it gets very difficult to keep it inside. the only way i can describe this is through another little problem i used to have; bulimia. you see, when i was at my worse point with the bulimia, all i had to do was hiccough after i ate and the toilet would be full. it didn't always take a finger down the throat or much effort at all because of the anxiety of having food in my stomach. i suppose, now that i've stopped doing that, i've developed a mental bulimia in it's place. i get in these moods where i have no idea exactly what i'm feeling because i vacillate between sad and angry and jealous and hopeless and eventually i reach a point where i can't keep any of it in. i scream in pillows. i throw things. and if that doesn't work, well, i've got enough scars to show for what else happens.
but now i'm probably scaring everyone away, and that's not what i want.
what i want is to just vent. to be able to say things without feeling like everything that bothers me is absolutely inconsequential; to feel like i'm not completely alone. i hate feeling like everyone is lying to me. i hate feeling like i have to keep myself in check because if not, i'm going to lose everyone i might have at the moment.
unfortunately, this always proves to be impossible.
rarely, i will get to a point where i actually make an effort to talk to someone about this stuff but i never fail at talking myself out of it. sometimes i figure no one wants to hear this bullshit and other times i figure that if i'm actually completely honest, i'll scare them away. and you know why? because sometimes- well, most times- i scare myself.
anyway, i'll stop there because i would be surprised to learn anyone even got this far. i just wish it were easier for people to understand what it's like to be me; not stephanie, the nineteen year old girl who works and yada yada yada. no. ME; the girl in my brain who's self-destructive, self-loathing, and absolutely terrified of herself.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
graphic.
Straight from the mind of stephanie. sometime around 10:02 PM
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4 Comments, Questions, and Concerns:
i wish you'd talk to me.
and don't take this oddly, but it's because i feel that through getting to know you better, i might be able to understand what my sister went through when she was my age.
because i know she hurt a lot and went through a lot, but now she's older and doesn't want to reminisce but i can't help but wonder what went through her mind, what she went through to become who she is now. Because as much as I love my sister, I don't really feel like I know her.
What I do know is that throughout High School and College she hurt rather badly. She went through anorexia and bulimia, she went through all the hard drugs and maybe the not-so hard ones as well. She cut herself, and terribly to the point that once my mother had to secretly get her to the hospital for fear of her losing her life, it was bad. She hated herself and everyone around her and she was jaded. She's the most intelligent person I have and will ever meet, but she's also damn well fucking aware of it.
I also can't help but be angry at you, and I'm sorry. Because you don't open up. You have so many walls up and it's infuriating.
Sometimes I feel like I get along with you, and other times I don't. But then again it's the same with my sister. But also with her, sometimes I see myself in her so maybe that just adds to it all.
I'm not that extreme. Or rather at all. But I'm aware of it all and I know it exists. and you're the only one that's feeling it.
Cela,
you're honesty really means a lot to me. so much to the point that i am more than willing to open up to you. perhaps part of me wants you to be able to understand your sister, but all of me definitely trusts you. so i will make your wish come true and i will talk to you. when you responded to my tweet about my anti-depressants i was terrified.
i don't keep what's wrong with me a secret, but i know i don't exactly go around talking to people about it. it's one of those things that if people ask, i will answer honestly.
as for what your sister and i have in common, i did the bulimia thing. i struggle with the anorexia, but its not a huge concern for me at the moment because i'm back up from my lowest weight. self-inury and self-mutilation definitely have their places in my life and i would go so far as to say that because of my mental state i, too, am rather jaded. perhaps we can grab a cup of coffee tomorrow and talk more because i'm not sure leaving this on my website is the best way to tell you these things.
thank you though, so much, for not running and for wanting to know things.
it means so much more than i can say.
don't be terrified.
i don't judge. or at least i try not to. and i try to be patient. i like knowing where people come from, i like trying to puzzle pieces of people's lives together to try to understand them because sometimes it helps me understand why i do the stupid things i do.
i can't tomorrow, but you know my number. this week sucks for me, but my class is nearly over so i'll have a bunch more free time to grab some coffee whenever you'd like. :]
You know I think people care about you more than you think they do. There are many aspects of your life that I identify with and the reason why I like what you have to say is because you articulate the feelings or better yet, you are not afraid to show your raw emotions.
There are alot of things I hide too, and deny because I want to keep a mentality that things are alright. But I do fall in occasional depression sometimes too often than I would like to admit. I tried the whole counseling thing too, but she wasn't very good. I ended up answering my own questions. The way I see it is I think you just know too much about life for your own good. It just taunts you, something I cannot describe here.
If you have the chance to come up north please get a hold of me and I will gladly share with you the things that lets me escape from my self-destruction.
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