and the moral of tonight's story: be okay, because if you're not then no one else is.

in case you can't tell, that was not meant to be anything close to a philosophical statement. in fact, it's a very bitter statement. here's why:

my whole life i've grappled with this idea of "walls" and "letting people in" and "being vulnerable" and "human". it's taken me nineteen years to even attempt this with people, and even still i can't successfully be "human" with everyone. until rather recently, i've allowed people to fabricate ideas of me in their minds and then, for their benefit, i've done my best to live up to their ideas of me.

why be a person to them when being an idea works so much better?

ideas, when taking the shape of a person, have a way of soothing whoever has put them together. maybe it's the predictability. maybe it's the distance or closeness expected from those ideas. or maybe i'm just going on and on about something that probably isn't that substantial anyway.

but that's not the point.

the point is, i made a decision to stop being just an idea to a very select few people in my life. i made the very brave decision of letting them in and showing them that i am in fact a very broken person who, more often than not, is need of a little taking care of. unfortunately for me, i am now seeing how stupid of an idea that is.

i now know that, in regards to myself and those i decide to associate with, i am not allowed to be the human. i am the robot; i am the one who needs to be predictable and who can't be effected by things like bad days and real people. i am best when used to take in information and spit something back out.

so when i say the moral of the story is you have to be okay, i don't mean you; i mean me. i have to be okay. the fact that i am not okay is irrelevant here because i am not the human. i am not the one who has gone through some story book like life and i am not the one who needs to tear down walls. i have to be okay because if i'm not, then it is my fault that the people around me are not okay. i am at fault because, when i'm human, whatever is wrong with me forces the people around me to suffer as well, but in a much different way that i suffer; i suffer because i forget to be an idea and start thinking i'm human. they suffer because when i act like a human, this obligation from the heavens comes over them to drop their own hardships and focus on mine.

apparently, i am so broken that it is impossible to not feel obligated to fix me.

apparently, i am so broken that it is impossible to not feel broken around me.

apparently, i am so broken that it is impossible for me to be broken without making someone else feel that plague of obligation.

so, in short, i concede.

the fact that i'm not okay doesn't matter now, so forget i ever admitted to not being okay (especially if it's that much of a burden for you). i will take on the role of the idea once more and remind myself that my suffering and brokenness is nothing compared the suffering and brokenness i put people through just by being human. i will keep to myself, just as i used to, and slowly come to terms with the fact that i was created to be used and tossed away after the entertainment or processing has been used to it's extent.

so the moral of your story is don't let the idea think it's human; keep the idea boxed in those "walls" and only let it out when you need it, because that's what it's there for right? it's there when you need it, not the other way around.