Life would be so much more pleasant (or just unnoticeably unpleasant) if I could turn off any and all feelings simultaneously. It would be a lot like coming to terms with a hot, dry, humid day: there’s nothing that can be done to make the weather change, so why even bother thinking about how miserable it is outside. Instead, having emotions is much like having a thermostat in a small area. It’s easy to know the temperature and all it takes is a flick of a switch and suddenly air is blasting into the room and changing the climate completely. Only my thermostat seems to be constantly malfunctioning; I’ve got both hands on the switch and I’m pulling and pushing as hard as I possibly can but the switch just won’t budge. So I’m left in an insanely uncomfortable room that’s constantly oscillating between stifling hot and bone-chilling cold with a broken thermostat. I wear myself out, day after day, trying to get the damn switch to move- hoping that maybe today will be different than yesterday- but the routine is never broken. It’s an effortless set of motions that I simply can’t avoid because I can’t just sit back and accept the temperature of the room: once I do, it sky-rockets in the other direction, making it impossible for me to ever be at peace with the air around me.

Yes, I did just use a fucking thermostat to describe my distaste for my own human tendencies but so what? What would a “normal” person use to describe them; daisies and butterflies and stubbed-toes? Broken organs and insect filled stomachs? At least my metaphor makes sense.