I have a lot I probably should talk about, but I seem to be short of time.

And if I'm not short of time, I'm short of breath.

If I'm not short of breath, I'm short of patience.

If I'm not short of patience, I'm short of words.

It's all so annoying and I really just want to say everything without having to say anything at all.

Wouldn't that be nice?

But anyway, here's something else to chew on. 

My therapist and I were talking about my tendency to polarize things, you know, idealize and devalue people. Then we were talking about how I play devil's advocate with everything in my head, but despite seeing the multiple sides of every situation I still end up taking things out on myself, no matter what the situation. Of course, he reached some conclusion to fix this that I disagreed with and I left therapy feeling like shit.

The point of that was to arrive at the subject of being selfish in relationships versus successfully communicating expectations and needs, but I left a lot out and failed to reach that subject.

So I'm not going to continue. 

I think I'll just do some homework or something.

"I don't have a girlfriend. 

But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

I had something to write about today but then I decided against it.

Instead, I leave you with this.

THIS.

M. I. A.

There is point of no return with some things; it's the point where no matter what you want to do, you're stuck doing what you've started doing.

I don't want to get there.

You can blame it on being a control-freak or delusioned or whatever you want, but what it all really comes down to is self-worth. Right now, I'm stuck dealing with something I let happen. Something I did, or do, or might do again. As much as I hate myself for it, and as much as I swore I never would, I did it. It's scary as hell. I'm ashamed. I'm terrified. But I'm hell-bent on not letting myself sink so low that it becomes acceptable.

It's not acceptable.
It's not acceptable.
It's not acceptable.

I'm a little nervous; this is something I feel like I should keep to myself and brave alone. I don't know that I can tell anyone, at least not right now. Maybe a couple people, but definitely not everyone. I really have no shame about other things I do (or don't do) but this- this is an entirely different thing. This is something I don't stand for. Something I don't want to be.